


Hair Secrets of the Gotei 13

by isharaine



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, PWP without Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isharaine/pseuds/isharaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The best kept secrets of the Seiritei- How does Kenpachi keep his hair looking so stiff? Why does Unohaha wear a braid down her chest? What curse is Byakuya hiding under his kenseikan? A series of One-Shots about the Gotei 13 Captains and their hair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kenpachi

** **

 

**DISCLAIMER: Bleach belongs to the great Tite Kubo. Nope, I don't make anything from this work.**

**Warning: PWP, OOC, AU (Kind of?)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**.**

**11th Division Capt. Kenpachi Zaraki**

**.**

* * *

 

.

"My hair?" Kenpachi leans back, smiling maniacally as he adjusts his hold on his sword. "I use the blood of hollows to keep my spikes stiff and standing. Sometimes I use the tears of cowards."

A terrified shriek from one of his passed-out underlings makes him laugh.

.

* * *

.

**-Meanwhile, in the World of the Living-**

"This is not fair," Madarame grumbles to Yumichika as they walk into a place of commerce that humans call a department store. "He makes me do this every time."

The spotlights gleam reflectively on his shiny pate, blinding the other customers. Yumichika gets waylaid by the makeup counter ladies, leaving Madarame to stumble through the labyrinth of display cases. Finally he stops by a counter, and checks his list.

"May I help you?" the smartly dressed sales lady asks.

"Yes, I'll need a bottle of your Luxxe Hair Serum, the large size of the Leave-In Hair Conditioner, three tubes of the ManMane Pomade, and the special sized King Hair Gel," Madarame mutters, cursing inwardly as the lady behind the counter looks at his bald head in confusion. "Oh and a package of your No-Slip Grip Hair ties please."

"Is it for you, or is it a present for someone?" she asks politely, gathering all the items in one shopping bag.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Madarame snarls at her, throwing some bills at her and yanking the bag out of her hands.


	2. Unohana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, I am just borrowing his characters. Not making any money here.
> 
> A/N: Rewritten for clarity. I reread this and realized it doesn't make much sense. Here we go.

 

**4th Division, Captain Unohana Retsu**

**.**

**100 years ago - Meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association**

**.**

"Pass me the sake!" Rangiku bursts into the meeting room, furious. "I swear, all of the men here are idiots. That Ichimaru, oooh." She sinks onto the cushion next to Momo, her sake bowl emptied before her butt hits the ground.

Kiyone protests, "Not all of them! Captain Ukitake, for example, is the smartest most awesome, most handsome -" Her protests are cut short by her older sister Isane.

"Seriously, Kiyone, I'd tell you to marry the man, except that Kotsubaki would probably stab you the night before the wedding. It's hilarious that your co-third seat is your biggest rival for your Captain's affections." Isane's cheeks are glowing from the sake, and her words bring laughs around the table. "But Rangiku-kun, what did Captain Ichimaru do this time?"

"Well Stupid Gin didn't notice my new haircut. Seriously. I've opened up my cleavage and everything. The man's pretty dense. I even hinted pretty heavily. Nothing," Rangiku knocks back another shot of sake.

"Rangiku-kun," Soi Fon says, tipsy and philosophical. "A lot of men would not notice if the sky turned green." All the women sigh in agreement.

"What would it take for a man to notice anything?" Isane snorts.

"Oh, oh I have the best idea!" little pink-haired Yachiru raises her hands excitedly. "Let's all change something about our hair to look different, and then see if any of the men notices the change. If they do notice, then you have to stop doing it and revert to your previous look and pay a hundred kan towards the remaining players. But if not, you have to keep it! And the last lady among us who is still doing it wins all of the money!"

All the members of the club applaud her idea, but Captain Unohana has a secret smile on her face. "Let's make this interesting, shall we?" she taps her finger on her lips. "The more obvious the better." The fourth Division Captain is elected to hold the money and announce the winners, but her competitive spirit makes her want in on the bet.

The ladies agree to meet the next day to go over each other's changes, for the sake of consistency. "All of us are doing this, okay?" Rangiku hollers. Everyone nods their assent.

Isane shows up with bright green hair the next day at their meeting place. Her sister Kiyone has dyed hers white. Yachiru has hers gelled up in long spikes, mimicking her Captain's. Rangiku has Momo-style buns, and Momo has hers down in Rangiku's hairstyle, revealing their close relationship. Rukia copies her brother's look with kenseikan and scarf (a much less expensive version, though) while Nemu has braided glowing lights into her hair. Soi-fon weaves bandages into hers for an elaborate hairstyle. Yoruichi covers her own hair with little cat pins, styling her hair into cat ears. But Captain Unohana takes the cake, appearing with a giant braid running down her chest. They burst into laughter at the sight of each other.

The same day, Nemu and Kiyone show up at the fourth division, their hair back to normal, to pay their 100 kan each to Unohana.

Three days later, Momo has to revert back, after Hitsugaya scolds her for "looking like a Rangiku," and Nemu is told off by Kurotsuchi for wasting resources.

The next week has Rukia, Soi-Fon and Yoruichi forking up the cash after Byakuya casually asks if the women's dress code has changed from shinigami formal to idiotic, eyeing the taichou and fukutaichou with mild disgust. (Except for Rukia- He just tells her to knock it off)

The week after that, Isane has to pay up after an anaesthetic-addled patient runs through the halls of the fourth division, screaming about broccoli monsters. (There is some debate among the ladies whether or not this counts- Isane concedes in the end as she is tired of dyeing her hair green.

That same day, Ichimaru mentions to Rangiku that he misses seeing her hair down. The fukutaichou pays her fee with a huge smile on her face.

So now it is between Yachiru and Unohana. The first month passes, then the second. One day before the third, the stalemate is broken by Yamamoto at the Captain's meeting, asking if Yachiru plans to grow muscles to look like Kenpachi. Then, he turns to Unohana, opens his mouth, sees the look in her eyes, and then closes it again.

Thus, the legend of Captain Unohana was born.

.

**PRESENT DAY - 100 years later**

**.**

"So…," Ichigo says to Renji, as they exit the 4th division's doorway.

"Yes?" Renji asks.

"Um, what is up with that big-ass braid on Captain Unohana's chest? It almost looks like a beard," he blurts out. "You know what I'm talking about, right?"

Renji covers his mouth, dragging him to a quiet corner. "Look, Ichigo, you may be new here, so I'll tell you the first rule of the Gotei 13. You do not talk about Captain Unohana's braid. Ever."

Ichigo looks at him, confused.

"Even Yamamoto won't touch her." Renji hisses. "So just keep your mouth shut, ok?"

Ichigo nods, feeling a chill go down his spine as he remembers his own experiences with the Captain.


	3. Komamura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite, not by me :D

 

**7th Division Captain Sajin Komamura**

 

**.**

"I most certainly do not lick myself!" The giant wolf captain sniffs, offended. "Only filthy cats do that!"

(Meanwhile, somewhere in the real world, Yoruichi's hairs stand on end and she starts choking on a hairball.)

.

Something was wrong. Captain Komamura woke up in the middle of the night in his Captain's quarters, trying to sense what had awakened him. Was it the strong reiatsu of an unknown enemy?

He sat up, and rolled onto his haunches, sniffing the air lightly. Nothing there. But there was something wrong, something that had jolted him out of his dreams. Komamura rose to his hind legs in one fluid movement, gracefully padding to the door. The warm night air greeted him, but the view of the stone gardens was peaceful as ever.

Iba, ever his faithful lieutenant, rose where he had been sitting on the walkway, watching the servants sweep the captain's shed hair into fluffy red clouds mixed with dust and dirt. "Taichou? Is there something wrong?" He asked in his baritone.

Captain Komamura stilled him with a raised paw. "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what, sir?" Iba grasped the hilt of his sword, tensed and ready to fight.

Komamura felt something strike his lower back. He turned around, expecting to see someone. Whipping his Zanpakuto out, he tried to see who his attacker was. "Did you see that?" He growled.

Iba approached him, looking around warily. "Captain, are we under attack? I'll cover your back."

"They're too fast!" Komamura growled, feeling the sting in his back spread upwards to his shoulders. "I can't see them!" The sting intensified, pulsing in hot waves.

"The Captain is under attack!" Iba yelled, waking the rest of the squad. They filed out of the division chambers, surrounding him, eyeing the sky and the Captain.

Concerned voices echoed around him. "Sir, are you all right?" "Captain, are they attacking from above?" "Sir, what can we do?"

The sting was so intense now that Komamura got on one knee, trying to reach his back to see if there was a poisoned dart sticking out of him. "Can you see anything on my back?" He growled to Iba, who shook his head.

"Iba, take off your sunglasses, it's the middle of the night." He growls. "And look again. Can you see anything on my back?"

Lieutenant Iba's confused eyes meet him. "I'm sorry, Taicho, but there seems to be nothing there."

The agony spread upward and downwards, into crevices that Komamura did not want to check in public. He fell, unable to control his spasms.

"Taicho!" Iba cried, among the other squad members who were distressed by seeing their captain felled by an unseen assailant. "Quickly! We must take him to the Fourth Squad! Captain Unohana might know what sorcery this is!"

They bore their Captain's frenzied form on a makeshift stretcher, flying across the Seritei cobblestoned streets in the dark of the night.

"Please!" A fourth seat pleaded, pounding on the gates. "It's our Taicho! He is injured!"

Everything passed in a blur to Komamura, who was wracked with a seizure trying to ease the agony going through his body right now. At one point he bit his own arm, trying not to cry out and further distress his subordinates. He saw Unohana's white-clad figure, as she herded the soldiers out of the room.

"Unohana Taichou." He growled. "Please help me." At this point the agony overcame the Wolf Captain's pride; he was no longer too embarrassed to ask for help. She nodded reassuringly, conducting a brisk examination with cool fingers.

She gasped as she saw his back, and ran out. Worried, Komamura wondered if he was going to die. Unohana came back, her face grim and her hair now tied behind her head (not that he noticed, he was in too much pain.)

"Unohana. If I am cursed, kill me instead." Komamura said bravely. "I do not wish to bring down doom upon the Seritei, and if my death will prevent this, please arrange for it quickly."

"Komamura Taichou." Unohana sent a glance to all her assistants. They left the room quickly. "You have fleas."

When the sun came up, the 7th division members who were squatting in the courtyard, all rose as the doors opened. Their Captain walked out of the doors, all his hair completely shaved off, with a couple of bandages here and there.

"Taichou!" Iba breathed. "What happened?"

Wordlessly, Komamura picked up his Zanpakuto from his lieutenant's hands, and walked out the gates.

"It must have been a fearsome curse." A soldier whispered to his squadmate.


	4. Ukitake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, not me!
> 
> A/N: This isn't as funny as the other ones, but I hope you like it. :D

**13th Division, Captain Jushiro Ukitake  
**

**.**

**.**

"I hear that Captain Ukitake is coming in to resign his commission." Captain Soi Fon appeared in the doorway.

Behind the Division 1 Captain's desk, the man in the flowered robes leaned back, contemplating his cup of tea. "And where did you hear this gossip?"

"Does it matter?" Soi Fon stalked to his desk, sitting on the edge. "What are you going to do about it?"

Kyoraku sipped his tea delicately. "What can I do about it?"

"You're his best friend!" She snapped, pounding her palm on his desk. "You can talk him out of it."

"It is none of our business, Soi Fon, but Division 13's, and Captain Commander Yamamoto's." He said calmly. "He is very ill, and this is not going to go away. Jushiro-chan has been a Captain for more than a hundred years, and has borne the mantle with grace and humility. Don't you think he deserves to rest?"

Soi Fon stood up, ashamed. "I do. But this isn't rest- he is quitting because he feels that he isn't doing his responsibilities, and does not deserve the Captaincy. But he is wrong!"

Kyoraku quirked an eyebrow, realizing where she had gotten her information. "You're getting better at eavesdropping, Soi Fon." He sent her a grin, earning a scowl in return.

Soi Fon resisted the urge to stamp her foot in frustration, knowing it would only fuel Kyoraku's amusement. "Fine." She snapped. "If you won't do anything about it, I will."

 

* * *

 

Three days later, Jushiro Ukitake hobbled into the Seritei, supported by his third seats and flanked by Kuchiki Rukia. While Kiyone and Sentaro bickered about who would get to shunpo him up the massive winding staircase to the Captain Commander's office, Kuchiki stood silent and vigilant beside him.

"Taichou." Rukia said gruffly, not meeting his eyes.

"Yes?" Ukitake waited, feeling faintly out of breath already. He surveyed his team, feeling a pang of sadness. His division was made of good people, and they deserved better than a sickly captain who could not even attend the monthly captain meetings.

"Please. Reconsider." Eyes averted, she sank to one knee.

"Kuchiki-san." Ukitake smiled and patted her arm, urging her to rise. "It's okay. I'm sure they'll find a better taichou for the 13th. Someone who can lead you all in the field. Hey, I may even step down and be your co-vice-captain."

"But you've held us together all these years after Kaien-dono and Miyako-dono..." He could hear the tears in her voice.

"Kuchiki-san." Ukitake sighed. "I know we have been through a lot." Silently, he patted her head, trying to comfort her. Both third-seats approached, finally carrying a litter so they could both shunpo him up the stairs. "But I must not keep the Captain Commander waiting."

Nodding, Rukia rose to her feet, discreetly dashing the back of her hand across her cheeks to wipe away any stray tears.

 

* * *

 

"And so, Yamamoto-dono." Ukitake finished. 'I think it is in the best interests of the Gotei 13 if you found someone else to be Captain of the 13th Division. You may move me to whatever position you deem appropriate."

The old man stroked his chin thoughtfully, studying him. "But there has been no complaint as to your conduct, Ukitake."

Ukitake nodded. "But I hold myself responsible, Yamamoto-dono. And I feel like I have failed you and my team."

The old man smiled. "Oh, I don't know, Ukitake Taichou. Have a look at this."

Ukitake joined Captain Yamamoto at the bannister and bit back a surprised gasp. His entire squad, and what looked like most of the other squads had gathered in the courtyard, all wearing white wigs to match his own. "Please don't leave, Ukitake Taichou!" Division 13 chorused, bowing deeply.

"You heard them." A deep voice growled behind him. Touched, Ukitake turned to see the other captains also wearing white wigs. Of course, Toshiro Hitsugaya had just combed his hair down. Even Kuchiki Byakuya bore his hair color change with dignity, looking slightly unhappy, but after a lightning fast kick from Soi Fon, reverted to his usual blank expression.

For the first time in a really long time, Jushiro Ukitake felt the weight of his illness lighten.


	5. Hirako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me, but to Kubo Tite.
> 
> A/N:This was a little harder to write but once my friend Sunny gave me the prompt it started flowing pretty quickly. Longest chapter ever! Woot woot.

 

**5th Division Captain Shinji Hirako**

.

.

The notes arrive via Hell Butterfly, at the crack of dawn.

One for Rojuro Otoribashi, who is newly reinstated as 3rd Division's Captain. He pauses his meditation long enough to stretch out a long finger, receiving the message with a mystified air.

One for Kira Izuru, who is his vice-captain. He has been up for hours, a habit from when the 3rd division had a vacant captain position. Kira furrows his brow as he listens to the message.

And somewhere in the world of the living, a man in a striped hat crouches on the top of an underground rock formation. The painted blue ceiling mimics a sunny day; but the coolness of the room says otherwise. The butterfly pops into existence and then flutters to his shoulder. Urahara raises an eyebrow as he listens to the message, then rolls his eyes.

 

* * *

 

The three men gather in an empty building on the outskirts of the Hokutan district at sunset. Kira is the first to arrive, having stammered excuses to his Captain, only to find that Otoribashi tailed him and was invited to this secret meeting. Remorseful, he bows with his forehead to the ground, his artfully styled bangs damp with his nervous sweat. Otoribashi ignores him, pulling the manga out of his pocket and flipping to his last page. Urahara is the last to appear, his wooden clogs silent on the wooden floor. He nods to Kira, then to Otoribashi before sinking to his feet.

They do not wait very long before a cloaked figure appears in the shadows of the setting sun. "Gentlemen." A deep voice intones, from under the hood. "I suppose you must be wondering why I have invited you all here tonight."

"Get on with it, Hirako." Otoribashi snorts, turning a page. Kira watches, eyes wide.

With a huff, the slender Visored pushes back his hood. "Fine." He starts to pace. "You will notice that we all have something in common."

"Good looks?" Otoribashi offers.

"We are wearing black?" Kira ventures.

"Size 12 feet?" Urahara smirks. "Welp, not you, Shinji."

Shinji poses dramatically. "NO! We are OUTCASTS."

"Speak for yourself." Otoribashi scoots over to the window to catch more of the light on his manga. Kira is still wide-eyed, glancing over at Urahara, who shrugs.

"We blondes must reclaim our place in society! Was it not you, Otoribashi, and you, Urahara, as well as myself, who had to flee in the dead of the night almost a hundred years ago, like cockroaches?" Shinji wails, completely in character. "Cockroaches, Kira!"

"Er… What are cockroaches, sir?" Kira ventures. There are no cockroaches in the Soul Society. Shinji ignores him, continuing his monologue.

"And you, Kira! You held your team together after two terrible captains, and they give you Otoribashi! OTORIBASHI! Do you not deserve a real captain? Are you not angry?" He tips up Kira's chin with his forefinger, spittle flying. Kira blinks up at him and then reaches up and politely wipes his eyelid.

"Oi." Otoribashi objects, finally slamming his manga down. "Get your hands off my vice-captain, you lunatic."

Shinji moves to him, locking an arm around his neck. "And you, my visored brother. They gave you back your position but you were never right in the head again." He pats his head pityingly.

"Actually, I put him back together like I did you, and you're all fine." Urahara folds his arm across his chest. Shinji smiles at him. "And how is life in exile?"

"Can you get to the point?" Urahara snaps.

"We blondes must unite and steal the hearts of the Seritei, for the true power is with us." Shinji sinks to his knees. "For the white heads have Ukitake, and Hitsugaya, and even our brother Kensei Muguruma. When those three combine, the sex appeal will be undeniable! We will look like wallpaper next to them!"

"And the redheads! Orihime Inoue, Matsumoto, Abarai and the STRAWBERRY! The most beautiful women (even if Renji and Ichigo are next to them). If we do not unite now, we do not stand a chance. Do you want to end up old and ugly and single, my brothers?" He roars, a fist in the air.

"What did you have in mind, Hirako Taichou?" Kira asks timidly.

A smile with too many teeth spreads across Shinji's face, as he shines a flashlight under his chin. A crack of thunder has the other three men jumping.

"I'm glad you asked, my dear brother in colour." Shinji flips on the light switch. "Have you ever heard of the term, boyband?"

 

* * *

 

**Halloween, three months later**

A man in a mango costume fights his way through the crowd of Shinigami, his destination, the stage. He sneers at the crowd of girls surrounding Kensei and Hitsugaya, and climbs the steps to the stage.

"Hello." He taps the mic nervously. The crowd doesn't quiet down, fueled by alcohol and the party spirit.

"HELLO, EVERYONE." He finally roars. The mostly drunken crowd finally pays attention to the giant mango onstage. He slowly unzips the zipper, revealing Shinji Hirakou in a sparkly yellow tracksuit covered in sequins.

"I like your outfit!" a drunken Matsumoto yells.

Shinji beams at her. "Do you? A master artisan from the first district handcrafted this stitch by stitch for forty years! I love the shade- "

A well-aimed can thrown at his head makes him remember why he is on stage. "Fellow Shinigami! Tonight, you are all in for a treat! Tonight, we would like to debut… The MANGO MEN!"

The other three men shunpo onstage in varying yellow costumes; Urahara is dressed up as a pirate, complete with an eyepatch, all in yellow. Kira is in yellow scrubs and a yellow lab coat, with a hygienic mask with a ducky beak and a yellow stethoscope around his neck. Otoribashi has a yellow tailored suit on. Together, the four Shinigami strike a pose.

And then they begin to sing.

"Just because I'm blonde

doesn't mean I don't love you

It's a deep and secret bond,

a wish that I want to come true

Ohh you must be sent from above

Please don't think that I don't care

I'll never give up this love

Don't judge the colour of my hair

And I

And IIII

And I need you here tonight

Need your fingers in mine

Don't ever leave my sight

I'll make your life divine

My feelings for you are warm and mellow

And it's because my hair is yellow."

.

Stunned silence meets the end of their song, and then one person claps. And then another. And soon the whole crowd is cheering them on.

Shinji takes a step and bows. "We are the Mango Men! The only people with hair of gold in the whole Seiritei! We looked far and wide for the best, the brightest, the most beautiful and the blondest. Thank you!"

Urahara hops off the stage, selling CDs to the other Shinigami. He is swamped immediately by new fangirls and fanboys. "Free mangoes with every CD! We'll have a table out back!" He calls out.

And Shinji catches the eye of Hiyori Saguraki, the only remaining blond in the Seiritei. Her eyes are like laser beams, full of fury. She raises an eyebrow, telepathically asking, "Why was I not included? Most beautiful, my ass."

Shinji curses under his breath and gives her a weak smile. She pushes up the sleeves of her schoolgirl costume, and starts walking over towards him.

"What is it?" Otoribashi whispers.

"Saguraki. I forgot to ask her." Shinji whispers.

"We are going to die." Otoribashi's eyes widen. "On the count of three, run! One, two…" Both men disappear from the stage, leaving Kira to collect the avalanche of underwear thrown at them. The crowd applauds their disappearing act, thinking this is all part of the show.


	6. Kurotsuchi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite, I am merely borrowing and not making money from this. Oh, and Kool Aid does not belong to me either. Or Google.
> 
> A/N: If anyone is curious, just google "How to dye your hair with Kool Aid." Apparently it is a thing.

12th Division Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi

.

.

The mad scientist poked the powder carefully with a stirring rod. "Hmm, interesting. You say this was meant for Urahara but got intercepted?"

Nemu Kurotsuchi nodded, her face impassive. "Yes, Taichou. This powder is meant for application on the fine, keratinized filamentous epidermal growths arising from the skin of the body of mammals; in short, hair."

Kurotsuchi carefully portioned off a small part of the powder, and placed it in a beaker, adding water to it. It promptly turned red. He sniffed it cautiously.

"It seems to have artificial scents similar to those of seed-bearing structures in angiosperms. And a high amount of fructose." He tasted a drop, and his gold eyes widened. "The flavour is not unpleasant, but strongly tart. Are you certain this is not meant for oral consumption?"

Nemu checked her clipboard. "Yes, Taichou. There are many instructions on what humans call The Internet, on how to use this powder." She handed him a printout. "It is mainly used to alter the coloring of hair."

Kurotsuchi's brow furrowed, caking the black makeup on his face. "Then it seems that Urahara must be plotting something, if he is attempting to alter his appearance. But this substance…" He grabbed a pinch of the crystallized red powder. "We shall need to test it." He checked the printout, then eased his headpiece off.

Nemu gasped. "Taichou, you don't mean…"

His glare silenced her. "Yes. I will be the test subject."

 

* * *

 

Three hours later, Urahara got an emergency call via hell butterfly. He had been in the midst of setting up for a big party in the 13th Division; luckily he was on this side of the gates. Catching Yoruichi's eye, he gestured for her to come over.

"Looks like the Kool Aid we had ordered for the fruit punch finally turned up." He told her.

They met Nemu where she stood holding the laboratory doors closed. Urahara looked up at the massive doors that he had commissioned, and hid a smile when he heard the mayhem inside. There were beakers crashing, loud thuds, and maniacal laughter.

"Urahara-dono." Nemu looked stressed and conflicted. "I would not have contacted you if it was not an emergency, but…. I don't know what to do…"

Akon's screams from inside had them throwing open the doors. They paused, taking in the scene. Kurotsuchi was literally bouncing off the walls. Konjiki Ashisogi Jizō, the giant golden headed baby manifestation of Mayuri's zanpakuto, had one of Akon's legs in his mouth and was gumming it enthusiastically, a lab chair clutched in his other chubby fist.

"What did he do with the Kool Aid?" Urahara asked her urgently, as Yoruichi extracted the lab assistant from the mutated infant's mouth. Nemu retrieved the printout she had given Mayuri earlier. "This."

Urahara tried his best to hold back his laughter. "He used all of it? All 3 kilos of the juice powder?"

Nemu frowned, her eyes still on her Captain. "Yes."

"And he applied it directly to -" Urahara made a vague hand gesture over his head.

"No, he took off his helmet first. The solution is still on his hair under the helmet." Nemu snapped, rushing to catch Kurotsuchi before he bounced into the corner of the bookshelf. Urahara appeared midair behind Kurotsuchi, using his Kidou to knock the scientist unconscious.

"Alright, we will need to wash it off his hair immediately." Urahara carried Kurotsuchi into his old quarters. He noted with a smile that the new Captain had not changed the layout of the place. The assistant looked around, wide-eyed, at the quarters where she had previously been forbidden to enter.

Nemu turned around abruptly as Urahara pulled off the top of Kurotsuchi's shihakucho, exposing his blindingly pale chest.

"Kurotsuchi is not a normal Shinigami." Urahara explained, grunting as he held Kurotsuchi under the showerhead. "His skin has more receptors per square inch, and anything he touches is absorbed and goes directly into his bloodstream." He paused, and stretched out his hand long enough for Nemu to squirt the unscented shampoo into his hand. The coloring ran down his skin in red streaks,filling the room with a ugary strawberry smell.

"This is why he has to cover all his exposed skin with the protective pigmentation. So, if he used all three kilos of the Kool Aid, " Urahara let out a whistle as he scrubbed the shampoo into Kurotsuchi's wet, now-flaming red locks, "That was probably the mother of all sugar rushes."

Nemu raised her chin stubbornly in defense of her Captain. "Well, why did you have so much of the substance then? Are you planning something, Urahara-dono?"

The look he gave her was incredulous. "We are hosting a party. People will drink this. In very very diluted quantities, mixed with fruits."

"Are you planning to POISON people?" Nemu asked, shocked.

Yoruichi finally came in, hand on hip. "No, it is just a sweet drink. No intoxicants or alcohol." She poked Urahara on the shoulder. "Are you almost done? We need to get back to set up the party."

"Right." Urahara gave Kurotsuchi's hair one last squeeze, then eased him into Nemu's arms. "He'll be alright, he just needs to sleep it off. But he'll have one heck of a hangover in the morning. If you need help, call your co-vice captain. Saguraki should at least earn her keep here and help you with the cleanup. I'll be in touch."

With that, they were gone. Nemu sighed, feeling her knees buckle under the limp form of her Captain. "Good thing I'm a Mod Soul." She muttered, powering under his weight to drag him to his futon.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, the first thing Mayuri Kurotsuchi realized was that he was going to die from the headache blasting through him. Experimentally he opened one golden eye, and closed it again because the mercilessly stabbing light.

"You are merely dehydrated." He tried to reason it out with himself. "This pain can be managed with the consumption of water and analgesics. And then you can conduct your analysis on the cause of this headache." Kurotsuchi eased himself into a sitting position, and waited until the room came into focus.

The first thing he saw was a neatly folded sheet of paper next to him, with his name on it. He picked it up with slow careful movements; any quick motions would add to the nausea building in his stomach. He unfolded it, and the letters swam into focus:

**Bill for Services Rendered by Urahara Kisuke**

 

 

Mayuri Kurotsuchi's scream of fury could be heard from the 13th Division Quarters, where Urahara was sipping tea with Yoruichi.

"Ah." The blond man smiled, getting to his feet. "I see Kurotsuchi has found my bill."

* * *

 


	7. Kuchiki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me, it belongs to Kubo Tite
> 
> A/N: Wow, seven captains in four days. And this'll be a long one, because yay I am halfway through thirteen captains. Also, because, yay, Byakuya. Someone suggested that I make one shots of everyone who has ever been a captain. I just might. Please bear with me with this chapter, because I don't know if it's funny or not. But feedback and reviews are very much appreciated. Like, VERY VERY MUCH APPRECIATED.

**6th Division Captain Byakuya Kuchiki**

**.**

**.**

Renji, in his head, always referred to his Taichou as Princess. It wasn't the graceful way Kuchiki Byakuya glided around in his more-expensive-than-you scarf, nor was it in his antiquated manner of high speech. Mostly the Princess tag came from the way he looked down on everyone; as if he was already bored and stooping down to converse with you, because he absolutely had to, but he would rather be doing something else.

Princess Byakuya. His mind drifted as Byakuya droned on and on about the importance of cleanliness, reducing a 17th seat to tears because of the latter's sloppy grooming.

Renji hid a smile, imagining a tiara on Byakuya's head. Yep. Princess Byakuya. Renji discreetly yawned behind a fist, the cool spring weather making it nice and nap-inducing.

A hell butterfly appeared and fluttered gently to Byakuya's finger. What was this? Renji straightened, his curiosity getting the better of him. Was that a frown, creasing that smooth pale forehead of princess Byakuya?

He lifted cool grey eyes to Renji, summoning him. Renji was irritated that Kuchiki Byakuya could tell him to approach without even lifting an eyebrow, like a well trained dog. The redhead fell into step beside his Captain.

"Yes, Pr- I mean, Taichou?" Renji muttered. Byakuya did not say anything, building the suspense as they walked outside, pausing to stand under the cherry blossoms. Renji suspected that this was not done on purpose, but damn, the man looked like he had been painted into this idyllic scene, his long hair flowing in the wind.

"I received a missive about my sister, Rukia. It seems that she has not yet returned from the -" It was a testament to how disturbed Byakuya was that he did not sidestep a falling branch of the cherry tree, and it bounced off his head with a resounding thunk.

Renji stared, speechless, as Byakuya's hair suddenly turned pink. Not just Yachiru pink, but in-your-face, look at me I'm a pretty fairy princess pink, with sparkly highlights. Even the ends of his long flowing hair had curled into glorious ringlets Rangiku would kill for. Even his eyebrows were a darker shade of pink.

"The World of the Living. Ukitake says that she was supposed to report back two days ago." Byakuya continued, as if nothing had happened

"T-taichou." Renji sputtered. Byakuya with long pink hair looked remarkably like a gorgeous woman. "Your hair changed colour! Are you alright?"

Byakuya looked mildly irritated, which was nothing new. He never looked more than mildly anything. "Yes, Vice-Captain Obvious, my hair changed colour. I really dislike repeating myself, did you hear what I said?"

Renji cleared his throat. "Yes, Taichou. Rukia-chan hasn't returned yet from her assignment."

Byakuya's eye twitched ever so slightly. Renji's informality with his sister was a sore spot, but they had not spoken in forty years, except in passing. Still, there were more urgent matters at hand.

He began to pace, cotton candy curls bouncing with every step. "This is her first assignment to the World of the Living. I can feel her reiatsu, but it has somehow changed."

"I am sure she is fine, as Rukia-chan is a fighter and can handle most situations. There are others assigned in that world as well who can assist her. However, if you would prefer, I can go to through the gates to retrieve her, Taichou." Renji sank to one knee, bowing his head so that Byakuya would not see his twitching lips. He was dying of laughter but had to keep a straight face.

"That is not necessary." A regular butterfly fluttered to the top of Byakuya's head, making a perfect landing on his kenseikan. "It is a 13th Division matter, and Captain Ukitake was merely keeping me apprised of the situation as a courtesy."

Renji lost control and a chuckle slipped out when he saw the blue and gold butterfly flapping gently in the breeze.

"What was that, Abarai?" Byakuya's tone dripped icicles.

"N-nothing, my lord. Seasonal allergies." Keeping a straight face was more difficult than achieving Bankai, Renji thought. Still, he persevered. "Would you like me to contact Captains Unohana or Kurotsuchi to help you with -"

"To help me with what, Abarai?" Byakuya turned away, contemplating the bark of the cherry tree. "If I require assistance, I will give the order." The butterfly was flapping it's wings in time to Byakuya's enunciation.

"U-understood. May I head back to the headquarters? I need to finish the reports before tomorrow's meeting of all the squads." Renji bit the back of his hand to keep from snorting out his laughter, imagining Byakuya in all his princessy glory in front of all the other captains. Oh lord, Renji's face was crumpling. He scampered off before Byakuya could answer, tears of mirth streaming down his face.

Byakuya stared languidly in the distance, hands clasped behind his back. His curse was back. Lifting a finger, he whispered a message to a Hell Butterfly, and departed for the Kuchiki Estates.

 

* * *

 

Ginrei Kuchiki opened the sliding door to his grandson's quarters a little faster than normal, which for him was the equivalent of bursting in. Byakuya rose to his feet and bowed respectfully. "Grandfather."

"I received your message, Grandson." Ginrei paused, taking in Byakuya's glowing pink mane. "It has returned, more severely than before."

"Yes, grandfather." Byakuya's calm facade hid his anxiety. When he had hit puberty, a hot pink streak had run down the center of his head. Yoruichi had teased him by calling him a girl skunk, and the damage caused by his exploding temper had his grandfather calling in favors to keep it quiet.

"Let me see your kenseikan."

Byakuya handed over the intricate white headpieces. "Your father's kenseikan was buried with him, but his was a lot smaller than this. Sojun never achieved bankai, which probably made the curse less potent because it had less reiatsu to feed on. Your reiatsu is fighting with the curse, thus magnifying the effect." Ginrei studied it closely. "Ah, here it is. There is a slight damaged area, that would interfere with the containment spell." The kenseikan was dented, where the branch had fallen on it. "We had spread the story, when your father was cursed, that the kenseikan was only for noblemen. Did anyone witness the transformation of your hair?"

Byakuya's brow furrowed slightly. "Yes, my vice-captain. He should be trustworthy, I do not think he would tell anyone -"

A sour faced butler appeared. " My lord, you have guests. Captains Hitsugaya, Ukitake and Kyōraku together with Vice-Captains Matsumoto and Abarai." He bowed, his forehead to the ground. "Will you be-"

"Kuchiki Taichou!" Captain Kyōraku swept in, his long pink kimono fluttering in the breeze. The group stopped just outside the entryway, staring at him in shock. Ukitake's knees buckled, and Kyōraku caught him, still unable to break his gaze.

Dignity, Byakuya reminded himself. You are the head of the Kuchiki Family. Dignity must be kept at all times. These people are insignificant. He could see his grandfather pull his aloofness around him like a cloak, and his own resolve hardened.

"What is the meaning of this?" Ginrei Kuchiki was a formidable personage, but even his hauteur could not pull the attention away from Byakuya's pink ringlets.

Hitsugaya was the first to speak. "We apologize for the intrusion, but were told there was a matter of some urgency."

"And who told you this?" Byakuya stared down at a rapidly shrinking Renji.

"U-um, it was me actually." Ukitake said with a grin, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "On the matter regarding your sister."

"Adopted sister. " Ginrei corrected. "Well then, grandson, if this is Gotei 13 business, I will take my leave." Ginrei stood, giving his shoulder a squeeze in a rare show of solidarity. "I will see you later tonight."

"It has nothing to do with my squad, Ukitake Taichou." Byakuya said, scowling slightly at the hearts that were floating out of Matsumoto's eyes towards him. Ignored. "If you need assistance with the running of your squad, Ukitake, you have two vice-captains. I did tell you Rukia was not ready for a promotion that would put her in danger."

He blinked, and Rangiku was no longer in front of him, but beside him, cooing at his hair. "And Hitsugaya, do take control of your vice-captain. What brings you and Kyōraku here?"

Kyōraku grinned. "Not gonna lie, Abarai told us it would be worth our while to tag along with Ukitake. And he was right." He chuckled at Byakuya's flat stare. Renji gulped, but stayed quiet.

"Is Rukia in any immediate danger?" He asked, addressing her Captain.

"No, not as far as we can see. Her communicator is still working, and she is still slaying hollows." Ukitake steepled his fingers. "There are complications though. It looks like she has been abducted by a Ryoka, and he is keeping her caged in a closet. He has her under his control so she comes back every night to his room. We have tried to communicate with her and she has responded positively. However, the whole situation is suspicious."

"So what would you have me do?" Byakuya looked bored now, swatting Rangiku's sticky fingers away. "Has she requested assistance?"

"Well, the situation is unclear at this point. There is a chance she may have been compromised." Ukitake pointed out. "Then we may need to do an extraction instead of a rescue mission. The ryoka of course must be captured."

Byakuya's face blanked. "Are you accusing my sister of treason, Captain Ukitake?"

"He is saying we need to get more information." Hiysugaya interjected, grabbing Rangiku by the arm and rising to his feet. "And if you do not need us any longer, we will take our leave. Please be assured of our discretion, Kuchiku Taichou." He bowed deeply and dragged a struggling Rangiku out the door.

"Abarai, you are dismissed as well." Byakuya did not even look at him. Renji bowed and hurried out.

As soon as they were alone, Kyōraku and Ukitake looked at Byakuya and burst out laughing. Byakuya bore their laughter quietly, seething beneath his placid facade. "If you are done, I would like to know what else you plan to do about my sister, Ukitake." He sneered, flipping a pink lock behind his ear.

"I'm sorry, Kuchiki-dono." Ukitake wiped a tear from his eye. "We aren't laughing at you -"

"We're laughing WITH you." Kyōraku finished. "Did you lose a bet or something?"

A look from Byakuya had their smiles fading. Ukitake cleared his throat. "So, in regards to Kuchiki Rukia. I was going to send one person at first to assess the situation."

Byakuya lowered his lids and picked up a report. "Do as you wish. Don't bother me with minor details."

Kyōraku and Ukitake both rose, hearing the dismissal in his voice. "Alright. Do you want us let you know what our findings are, Pinky?" Kyōraku asked. Byakuya nodded absently, already absorbed in the report he was reading.

 

* * *

 

Byakuya stood on the roof across the street from Kurosaki Clinic, which was bathed in the glow of the half-moon. He had tied his cursed hair back, and traced Rukia's reiatsu to this place, ready to retrieve his sister. With Ukitake messing up her assignment so badly in the first place, he had no faith in the scout that they sent after her. He allowed himself a smirk, thinking about the aforementioned scout now asleep inside a broom closet in the 6th Division headquarters.

It was nearing midnight and there was no sign of Rukia or the Ryoka who allegedly held her captive. But Byakuya was patient.

Soon enough, he sensed a familiar yet different reiatsu approaching. Quickly, he masked his own. His sister came stomping down the street, accompanied by an unfamiliar Shinigami. Strangely, she was in a gigai, and the Shinigami seemed to be bearing her reiatsu.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. Rukia seemed - more animated. And yet why was she in a gigai if the shinigami was in his spirit form? And the Shinigami seemed to be cursed as well by the hair-changing spell. Briefly, Byakuya wondered if the Shinigami had run afoul of the same witch as his father. He decided he was better off with pink than that loud brassy orange shade.

Byakuya observed with surprise as Rukia grabbed the boy by his hair, delivering a kick to his face. The boy seemed to defer to her as well. He smiled proudly to himself. (Inwardly, of course. Byakuya's muscles would probably cramp if he tried to smile for real.)

The pair hopped up the outside of the house, sliding into the window above the sign that proudly proclaimed "Kurosaki Clinic." He could hear them bickering through the glass. Then he watched his sister get into a closet while the shinigami re-entered his body. Interesting. The boy's body was tied to this world, and he was alive.

Come to think of it, why could he not sense Sode No Shirayuki? It was as if Rukia's zanpakuto was sealed off.

Byakuya straightened, getting ready to retrieve his sister. He pulled his scarf up to cover his face. Suddenly he whipped around. Another shinigami stood there, sword ready to slash him. He had a captain's robe tied around his shoulder, and dark stubble covered his chin.

"Who are you?" The shinigami snarled. "And why are you spying on my house?"

Byakuya tightened the scarf around his face, thankful he had not worn his captain's coat on this mission. He stared silently at the other man, realizing it was the long-missing Captain Isshin Kurosaki. Even if the other man had been gone for decades, his reiatsu must have been powerful still, if he could creep up on Byakuya undetected.

Isshin smiled. "What's a pretty girl like you doing, spying on my son?"

Byakuya's eyes widened. Did Kurosaki think he was a woman? Still, he could play this.

"There is another." Byakuya knew his voice was too deep so he tried to whisper instead. "Who accompanies this boy. Is she his captive?"

Isshin lowered his sword. "Oh, Rukia-chan? No, no, as if he could capture that girl. She's got him by the nuts." He smiled. "Are you jealous? Do you want him for yourself? My son, the ladies' man. Oh, my late wife would be so proud."

Byakuya lowered his eyes, processing this. So Rukia was here of her own will, eh? His pink bangs fluttered in the evening breeze.

"But, Miss, what is your name? And what squad do you belong to? And you haven't answered my question. Why are you here?"

"I do not have to answer you." Byakuya whispered again."There was a report of a shinigami being abducted. And this boy- he is not a real shinigami. Yet you are. Why do you allow him to run around playing at being one? Did you train him?"

Isshin smiled proudly. "I had nothing to do with it. I'm more of a hands-off parent, you see. This is all his doing. And Rukia-chan's. Not that I'm supposed to know, wink, wink." Then he stopped smiling. "Wait. Miss. You still haven't answered my question, and you have me spilling my guts here. Your name at least?"

"My name is the least of your worries, Kurosaki Taichou." Byakuya whispered, pulling out his zanpakotu. It burst into cherry blossoms, swirling around them. "Please know this. If any harm comes to Rukia, your son is as good as dead."

Isshin tensed, noticing the magnitude of the reiatsu. This Shinigami was Captain level, at least. "So you do know me. Are you a new captain?"

In response, the cherry blossoms blasted into him, pushing him into the sky.

In his room, Ichigo sat up in bed, sensing the reiatsu blast. He pushed the curtains aside to look out, and spotted a tall slender person standing on the rooftop in a shihakusho, staring at him with unreadable eyes. Judging by the cloud of pink hair, it was a woman. The bottom half of the person's face was obscured.

The person raised a sword and pointed it at him.

Behind him, Rukia's closet door slid open. "What was that?" She called. For some reason she could have sworn she felt her brother's reiatsu, but it had been too quick, and really, what would Byakuya be doing in the World of the Living?

Ichigo turned to her. "Come look at this."

"Come look at what?" Rukia clambered onto his bed to look out the window. Ichigo looked back out. The person was gone. Ichigo tried to explain to Rukia about the pink haired woman with the gorgeous eyes, but she couldn't figure out who it was.

 

* * *

 

Ginrei Kuchiki was waiting for Byakuya with the newly repaired kenseikan in the morning. "Here."

Byakuya accepted it with both hands. "Thank you, grandfather. It is just in time for the Captain's meeting."

"And your adopted sister?"Ginrei said gruffly, folding his hands behind his back.

Byakuya slipped on the kenseikan. "My  _sister_ is in the real world, but she is in no danger." He looked his Grandfather in the eye, his hair now back to his normal colour. "She is a Kuchiki, Grandfather, and can take care of herself. That is all I need to know."

 

* * *

 

Later that day, the members of Division 6 came back from their drills to find Renji Abarai scrubbing all the cobblestones in the massive courtyard with a toothbrush. When asked why he was being punished, Renji would only say, "Damn Princess."

 

* * *

 

Much, much later...

"My lord, it is the Ryoka here to see you." The butler intoned.

"Enter." Byakuya murmured, without looking up.

"Byakuya-san." Ichigo greeted cheerfully. "I had a question... I was told that the Kuchiki Estate houses the most complete historical archive of the history of the Seritei."

"Kuchiki-sama." Byakuya corrected. "And that is not a question. Ask."

Ichigo plopped on the floor next to him, scratching his head. "Well, a long time ago, there was a beautiful pink-haired woman in a shihakusho, who appeared outside my window in the world of the living..."

Byakuya stilled. "Was it not Yachiru Fukutaicho? She has pink hair."

Ichigo shook his head. "No, Yachiru's just a kid. it was a beautiful woman with long pink hair. Come to think of it, her hair was the same length as yours. Except she was pretty."

Byakuya frowned. "You still haven't asked me the question, Kurosaki-san. Why are you wasting my time?"

"Yes... is there anybody with her description currently in any of the Gotei 13 squads? I just want to know why she threatened me with her sword and then vanished." Ichigo sighed. "Rukia-chan doesn't believe me when I ask her. She says I was dreaming. But I could have sworn..."

Byakuya looked grave. "Pink hair, you say?" He stroked his chin. "You may have seen the Shinigami Goddess of Manly Misfortune."

Ichigo's eyes widened. "What?"

Byakuya nodded seriously. "It is said that when she appears to you, and points her sword at you, your- er, sword, will fail if you ever try to use it."

Ichigo swallowed. "My Zanpakuto?"

"No." Byakuya replied. "Your other sword. The one attached to you. The Manly Misfortune part of her name." He shook his head. "You must not touch a woman until you are thirty."

"Thirty?" Ichigo squeaked.

"Or else your man-parts will shrivel up." Byakuya nodded solemnly. Ichigo crossed his legs protectively. "It is a good thing you came to me with your query, Kurosaki. You must not discuss this with anyone else or you will anger her, and then she will come for your parts."

Ichigo jumped up, two shades paler. "Thank you for this information, Byakuya-san." He bowed to Byakuya, then sprinted out the door.

"Kuchiki-sama." Byakuya corrected, and then smiled diabolically. The boy would not be touching his sister anytime soon.

 

* * *

A/N: Okay I know Byakuya is a bit OOC, but I love how protective he is of Rukia.


	8. Otoribashi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine, it's Kubo Tite's.
> 
> Warnings: AU, OOC, PWP, Kind of dark and creepy
> 
> A/N: I apologize in advance for this chapter. Please read Hirako's chapter first. Poor poor Rose. After blasting through Byakuya's, this popped in my head, and some of it is based on news accounts of Stans of Korean Boybands. (So they are kinda based on a true story?) It's a bit sloppy since i am running on zero sleep and some wine. Shorter one this time.

**3rd Division Captain Rojuro Otoribashi**

**.**

**.**

 

It wasn't easy being the main pretty boy of a (kind of) successful otherworldly boyband, Rojuro Otoribashi mused. At first it had been fun being the composer and arranger for the Mango Men since he LOVED music.

Unfortunately, the lyrics that Shinji wrote for his music were cringey and inane. It was a constant surprise to him that they had fans. In fact, the Mango Men had amassed some rabid fans, and the most insane of them all seemed to have fixated on him.

They called him Yellow Rose, and themselves as Red Roses. During their shows in the Rukongai, the Red Roses always bought tickets right in front of the stage. It was almost scary how organized these fans were, coming in identical red suits matching his own yellow one, and masks of his own face on theirs, with circles cut out for the eyes. No, scratch the almost. It was creepy. Good thing he was a Captain, and could shunpo his way out of tight spots.

They had taken to swarming the stage in waves, trying to touch him. The Mango Men had to finish their show in midair. (Captain Reiatsus came in handy for this.)

Shinji was ecstatic. "We've made it when the fans are assaulting us! We need to hire security now," he had crowed. "Take that, Kensei and Ukitake and Hitsugaya!"

 

* * *

 

And now the Red Roses had started following him everywhere. He could barely walk through his barracks without a bunch of blushing and screaming women stopping him for his autograph.

One of them had even pretended she was a man so that she could go into the bathhouse with him to presumably take nude photos.

Thankfully, the bathhouse had been crowded so she had to beat a hasty retreat.

None of the other members were harassed this badly. He couldn't even read his manga in peace. This was getting out of hand.

 

* * *

 

The club president, Rose assumed, was behind this all. He needed to find her, to tell her to back off.

He asked Shinji if he knew who it was, but Shinji was against the idea. "We need all the fans we can get!" Shinji insisted.

 

* * *

 

At the next concert, Rose asked the Red Roses who their leader was. It was almost as if he had flipped a switch. They closed ranks and regrouped.

 

* * *

 

And then things got even crazier. He had awakened to two fans in his room, both armed with razor blades. Rose disarmed them easily and had Kira sound the alarm. "From now on," Rose proclaimed, "We are under attack. There should be a guard 24-7."

When Rose went to his manga bookstore in the world of the Living with Love, he noticed a sweet looking girl staring at him. "Would you like an autograph?" he asked her, to get rid of her. She raised her right hand, which was holding a razor blade.

"Rose-sama. I need a lock of your hair," she begged, walking towards him. Love hustled him out of there quickly, both of them freaking out. They hopped on a Karakura bus, heading for the remote building that the Visored used as a home base. On the bus, an old lady grabbed Rose's hair and pulled out a pair of scissors.

Love pulled him away just in time and they jumped off the bus immediately. "Wow, man. Your fans are insane," Love gasped, after they had sprinted a fair number of blocks away. "Even here in the world of the living, they are out to get you."

In a phone call to Shinji, Rose found out why. The fan club president put a bounty on a lock of his hair. He was vibrating with fury when he hung up.

"Love, can you do me a favor?" Rose asked, tired of running. Love looked at his friend. "Sure."

 

* * *

 

At the next rehearsal, Rose walked in wearing a hat.

"How was your trip, Otoribashi Taichou?" Kira greeted him.

Rose pulled off his hat, exposing his newly shaven head.

Shinji started wailing uncontrollably. "NOOOO!"

Urahara just grunted, and continued to count the money from the ticket sales.

 

* * *

 

No matter, the president of the fan club says aloud, as he types into the Red Rose message board. "No more bounty on Yellow Rose's hair. Instead, a thousand kan for his underwear." Satisfied, he presses, Enter and watches the board light up.

"Shinji Taichou." Kira pokes his head into the room. "Break time is over, we should go back to rehearsals."

Shinji closes his laptop. "I'll be right there." He gives Kira an evil smile, one that sends chills down his spine.

 

* * *

A/N: Ok now to sleep. Sorry about this again. I just counted out all the captains left and previous captains. That's a LOT of captains left. Le sigh.

 


	9. Soi Fon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine, it's tite Kubo's. The books mentioned in this chapter are all real books too and none of them mine.
> 
> A/N: So today was a historic day for the USA (where I live). Today, the Supreme Court overturned the bans on same-sex marriages. This next chapter is in honour of this. Vive L'amour!

 

 

**2nd Division Captain Soi-Fon**

**.**

**.**

 

**100 Years Ago**

"You seem distracted, Fukutaichou." Yoruichi Shihoin crossed wooden swords with her second in command, grinning as she whacked the shorter girl gently on the head with her palm.

Huffing, Soi Fon shoved back, separating the two combatants. "Lady Shihoin, Is it true that Urahara is being held in the Central 46 right now for turning the other captains and vice captains into Hollows?"

Yoruichi sighed, parrying the next blow. "Urahara is being held, yes, but the rest of it isn't true."

Soi Fon scowled. "Why must you defend him all the time?" She followed her words with a stab. The graceful captain sidestepped it easily. "He is a lazy bum. He even hollow-fied his own fukutaichou. Why are you defending him?'

Yoruichi shrugged. "You said so yourself. He's a lazy bum. And he is my friend. I know he would not do it."

Furious, Soi Fon hurled her wooden sword, watching it sink into the wooden walls of the 2nd Division Dojo. Yoruichi blinked. "Okay. Do you want to tell me what's going on that has you so upset?"

Soi Fon stared at the object of her unrequited love, chest heaving. "Lady Shihoin, you recommended him to this position and now he has betrayed you. How dare he drag your name through the mud?" Her hands clenched into fists. "Now is the time to distance yourself from him. I will kill him if he tarnishes your reputation."

Amber eyes studied her intently. "That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Yoruichi slapped her on the shoulder lightly. "One day when you're a captain yourself, you'll understand that sometimes things aren't what they seem."

"Don't patronize me, Lady Shihoin." Soi Fon snapped, whirling around to follow her Captain. "Are you- Are you-" She couldn't make herself say the words.

Yoruichi raised an eyebrow. "Am I what?"

"Are you in love with Urahara Taichou?" Soi Fon blurted out. There was a half-beat of stunned silence as Yoruichi's eyes grew round. Then she burst into laughter, rolling on the floor.

"With Kisuke? KISUKE?" Yoruichi collapsed on her back, snickering. Soi Fon waited, eyes narrowed, until Yoruichi sat up. "Good lord, of course not. For one, he's like my brother, and two, I have better taste in people. He is definitely not my type. Why are you asking? Jealous?"

Soi Fon blushed hard and helped her captain to her feet. "I just don't want to see you dragged down by that piece of garbage."

The two women walked out of the dojo into the courtyard.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to steal him from you. I know how much you like Urahara." Yoruichi teased.

Soi Fon blushed harder. "I DO NOT like Urahara Taichou! But… Lady Shihoin, what is your type?"

Yoruichi tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Well…. what do cats like?" She sent her second in command a wink. "Try not to take things too seriously, ok?" Reverting to cat form, she turned. "There'll be time for that yet."

Soi Fon watched her Captain pad away on little pink paws, the wheels in her head turning.

 

* * *

**The Next Day**

Soi Fon brought a stack of books to the cash register, looking around furtively to make sure she wasn't spotted.

"Ah, are you getting a cat?" The bookshop owner beamed, ringing in the titles:

The Cat Behaviour Answer Book

Think Like A Cat

Catwatching: The Essential Guide to Cat Behaviour

The Cat In The Hat

Soi Fon handed over the money, her face bright pink. "No, I-"

"Fukutaichou!" Omaeda, the third seat, burst into the bookshop. "Fukutaichou, there's an emergency! It's Shihoin-sama! She's helped Urahara Taichou escape."

Soi Fon dropped the money on the counter, and ran out the door, leaving her books behind.

* * *

**Four Months Later**

After the chaos that erupted with the exodus of Urahara, Shihoin, and the other hollow-fied Captains, Soi Fon had been appointed as the new Captain of Squad 2 today and Commander in Chief of the Onmitsukido. It was a position she had taken bitterly, unable to believe that her beloved Captain had betrayed the organization.

She felt strange sitting in Yoruichi's seat, with all the members of the division and the Onmitsukido bowing to her now. At first, Soi Fon had not wanted to believe it, but it seemed as if Yoruichi was truly now the enemy. She stared impassively as she was presented with the new Captain's coat and seal, wanting this to be over.

At the end of the day, a commotion at the door had her glancing up from the paperwork.

"What is it?" Soi Fon asked, massaging her temples.

"A bookseller, Captain." Her eleventh-seat saluted. "He says he is making a delivery. Are you expecting a delivery, Captain?"

Her brow furrowed. "No."

"Then he must be a spy! Execute him!" The eleventh-seat hollered, pulling out his zanpakuto as he ran out the door.

"No, wait!" Soi Fon snapped, rising to her feet. Her new squad was definitely enthusiastic. The squad members had faced shame and derision from the other squads because their previous captain had been a traitor, so a lot of the member were a bit overzealous in their duties to compensate for this. "Bring him in."

An older man was dragged inside. "M-my lady." He bowed, looking up at her. "I finally found you!"

Soi Fon watched as he deposited the bundle on her table and gave her the change. "It was pretty hard to get a hold of you, I have to say." He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his glistening pate. "Since you left in such a rush and did not leave your name. But I remembered you were a fukutaicho - Well, taicho now, congratulations! I asked my son, who is in one of the other divisions, if he could find you and he did. By the way, my wife, who also likes cats, made a list of things that might help you with your new pet! We've included it in the package."

"No, please, keep the change." Soi Fon handed him the crumpled bills, touched and oddly disturbed by his honesty. He bowed again and left. escorted by the same soldier who wanted to execute him earlier. Soi Fon picked up the bundle and shoved it in a drawer, unsettled by the physical reminder of her crush on Lady Shihoin.

She decided to deal with the books later, as she had more important things to see to.

 

* * *

 

**10 Years Later**

Captain Soi Fon was spring cleaning her office when the bundle of books surfaced again. Omaeda had found the stack in her desk while she had been re-shelving some files.. "Taichou, what should I do with these?"

Soi Fon felt a weird flutter in her stomach, and ignored it. "Donate them or throw them out. I don't need them anymore."

Omaeda obeyed, putting them in the discard pile. He noticed a sealed note, though, and put it back on her table in case it was important.

Finally, after the office had been re-arranged, Soi Fon settled on her chair and spotted the note. Curious, she opened it.

_For Your Cat_

_Cats like shiny things and dangling things. They also like Catnip. Good luck with your pet cat!_

Soi Fon smiled in spite of herself, remembering the earnest old bookseller. She tapped the note on her lips and thought, "Ah, what the heck." She had hidden her crush for so long, and it was time she got over it.

The next day, Captain Soi Fon debuted her new hairstyle. She never told anyone of the catnip leaves she tucked into the bandages.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day, Meeting of the Shinagami Women's Association.**

_Ping, ping, ping._  Yoruichi in cat form curled around Soi Fon's neck, batting playfully at the golden rings at the end of her braids.

"Isn't she annoying?" Rangiku asked, watching the black cat chew on the bandages.

"No," Soi Fon said serenely. "I rather enjoy cats." She sipped her tea, and rubbed Yoruichi's head, right behind her little pink ear. The cat's tail thwacked her in the face, but even that felt nice. She had not confessed her feelings yet to Shihoin-sama, and she doubted that she ever would, but right now, she felt like all was well in the world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It was supposed to be a drabble, but the supreme court thing happened, and Soi-Fon is one of the few LGBT characters in the story (aside from Chizuru Honsho) and is quite unapologetic about it. Yay her.


	10. Yamamoto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite
> 
> Warnings: PWP, OOC, AU, mild swearing.
> 
> A/N: Ever wonder why all the captains' haoris are white? Also, I am going by the anime canon since I have not read the manga. Short chapter this time.

 

**1st Division Captain Commander Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto**

**.**

**.**

"How could you lose your Captains' Haori!" Captain Commander Yamamoto thunders at the three unrepentant Captains. "These are the symbols of your rank."

Kuchiki Byakuya, that impudent bastard, studies his fingernails. "Tell me how much it costs so I can replace this cheap haori."

Yamamoto feels a tic starting in his temple. "It is not CHEAP! And I don't care about the price, it is the principle of the thing. What do you think a Captain's Haori is?" He yells.

"Cheap." Byakuya repeats, looking bored.

"Dead Weight." Kenpachi growls.

"Fashion statements!" Kyoraku crows.

Yamamoto's furious yells can be heard from the gates of the Seritei. Outside, the soldiers watch in awe as blasts of fire emanate from the Captain Commander's balcony.

 

* * *

 

The knock on his door has the Captain Commander Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto turning to face the door from his balcony railing. "Yes?"

"My lord Captain, the messenger is here to retrieve the package." Sasakibe opens the door with a bow.

"I see." The elder crosses the room to his desk, opening the drawer to produce a cloth-wrapped bundle.

He unfolds it quickly, revealing a thick bundle of cut-off hair from his beard, then refolds it. "Here, take this to the weavers."

"Thank you, my lord captain." The accompanying messenger accepts the bundle with both hands and exits the room.

"Three Captains being reinstated this time, eh?" Yamamoto muses.

Sasakibe pours some tea for the elder. "Yes, my lord. I suppose it is good to have the previous captains Hirako, Otoribashi and Muguruma. Saves us a lot of time and paperwork."

Yamamoto glares at him from behind a scarred eye. "Good for whom?" He scoffs, sipping the scalding liquid. "All these captains think that their fireproof, water-resistant, wear-proof haoris grow on trees. Pfft. Cheap my butt. I don't see them providing hair to be woven into haoris. And three haoris at the same time. Hmph."

Sasakibe wipes the other teacup on the tray, raising an eyebrow. "My lord captain, you know we need your hair specifically because of the force of your reiatsu. It is literally in the cells of each strand of your hair."

"I hope those ungrateful bastards know how hard it is to pluck enough beard hairs for a haori, much less three." Yamamoto grumbles.

"Well, we would use the hair from your head except that -" Sasakibe ducks the teacup that is hurled at his head, catches it smoothly and places it on the tray. "Will there be anything else, my lord Captain?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hair is strong. A single strand could hold 100g (3oz) in weight: the combined hair of a whole head could support 12 tonnes, or the weight of two elephants. Weight for weight, it is not as strong as steel: more like aluminium, or reinforced glass fibres or Kevlar, which is used to make bulletproof vests. (from: the Guardian Article about the Natural History Museum of London)


	11. Kyoraku

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Bleach.
> 
> Warnings: Crack, AU, OOC (Really OOC)
> 
> A/N: The idea for Kyoraku's story came from my good friend Sunny, who is celebrating her birthday right now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sun-sun! It's silly and lighthearted and I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for your reviews and favourites and follows. TWO MORE CHAPTERS to go.

**8th Division Captain Shunsui Kyoraku**

.

.

"You're seriously going to do this? Really, my Nanao-chan? To your own handsome darling Taichou?" Captain Kyoraku fluttered his eyelashes at his vice-captain, trying to sway her.

"A bet is a bet." Nanao Ise placed the tip of her fan on his forehead, and used it to shove his face away. "And since you both had me witness your bet, it is my responsibility to see it through."

"But I can't believe that Shinji-san would actually succeed in his plot to get a pair of Otoribashi's boxers." Kyoraku said sulkily as he trailed behind the slender girl into the hanamachi or geisha district of the Rukongai.

"And really, you don't have to go this far."

"Oh yes I do." She paused beside a sturdy-looking gate, and checked the paper she was holding. "This is it, the geisha house."

She snagged his collar with one finger while he tried to sneak away. "And a real man never runs away from a bet. Are you really a Captain of the Gotei 13?" Nanao tightened her grip on his collar, and used her other fist to rap on the door.

A panel slid open, revealing the face of a guard. "Who is it?"

"Nanao Ise and Shunsui Kyoraku to see Madame Sakura."

The door opened, and Nanao dragged him in. Kyoraku straightened, and flashed the security guard a toothy grin, following his vice-captain inside.

They met an ancient lady in her spacious sitting room, completely made up in full geisha gear. "Madame Sakura. This is the person we mentioned in our correspondence to you." Nanao bowed politely to the old lady, who bowed back.

Kyoraku pulled off his hat and bowed as well. The lady stood up, assisted by two younger women, also dressed in elaborate kimonos, and hobbled over to him, grabbing his chin. She turned his head left and right, her face impassive. "This is what we have to work with?"

Nanao nodded. "Yes, Madame Sakura. We were told you were the best."

The old lady smiled. "You were told correctly. He should be done in six hours. You may wait here with me if you wish." She glanced over to the two burly footmen standing by the door, who grabbed both of Kyoraku's arms. He flashed an alarmed look to Nanao, who merely waved at him.

"Thank you, Madame Sakura." Nanao accepted the cup of tea gracefully.

 

* * *

 

Six hours later, the attendants of Madame Sakura appeared, looking disheveled and stressed out. "Madame, we have finished."

Both ladies watched as the attendants slid the doors open, revealing a gorgeous geisha, her face covered by a fan. Were it not for the twin zanpakutos on his waist, Nanao would never have recognized him. Shunsui fluttered the fan down with a flourish, his hair covered by an elaborate wareshinobu hairstyle, usually reserved for the new maiko or junior geishas. "Aren't I pretty?"

"It will cost you a lot of money." The elderly lady told Nanao gravely. "I am told he put up a fight."

Nanao smiled and slid a fat pouch of coins towards her. "It will be worth every penny, I am sure."

Walking back, holding both an umbrella over Kyoraku's heads and his Zanpakuto in her arms (as they decided they didn't match the gorgeous layered kimonos) Nanao was getting annoyed. Men would stop, dumbstruck, at the sight of her Captain, ignoring her entirely. Shunsui though was eating up all the attention, sending flirtatious looks to the street sellers, and blowing kisses to random passersby.

At one point they were accosted by two young lovestruck noblemen, who started fighting over the chance to touch Kyoraku's white hand. Nanao had to fend them off while Shunsui giggled behind his fan. "My Nanao-chan, I do believe I am prettier than you today. Do not worry. My heart still belongs to you."

Shunsui grinned as he heard her jaw crack loudly as she set it. "Just wait until we get to the 5th Division. It'll be over soon."

They made it past the Seritei gate. As it was dinnertime, the streets were mostly empty, except for rounds making their patrols.

Shunsui complained to Nanao in detail about everything they did to him. "Wax in my hair, Nanao! Now I'll think of candles every time I touch my hair." "They put that paint everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Even my nipples are white." "They ripped out the hair from my armpits and my legs. Now I understand you women. It really is not fair." "This makeup isn't so bad. I wonder how long it takes Mayuri to put his makeup on? I should ask him." "Do you think I'm pretty, my Nanao-chan?" It was slow going because he had to take tiny mincing steps in the high-heeled getta.

Finally she stopped him. "We are here."

"Oh thank Kami." Kyoraku hitched up his skirts to take the stairs into the building but Nanao whacked him with her hand. "Stop. Remember, you are a lady now."

Kyoraku rearranged his scowl behind his fan, sticking out his tongue at her. Nanao rapped on the door.

"We have a guest for Hirako Taichou." She announced. They were led to the dining hall. Nanao paused outside to straighten his hairpieces. He gave her a crooked smile and blew her a kiss. She rolled her eyes, digging the pin straight into his scalp.

 

* * *

 

Nanao enters first, bowing to all the Captains present. Of course, Hirako is there, presiding over the dinner table. Otoribashi and Kira, Kenpachi, Muguruma and Hisagi, Komamura, Soi-Fon and Hitsugaya and Matsumoto are gathered there, at Hirako's invitation. They have just finished dinner, and are looking bored.

"What is this about, Hirako?" Hitsugaya intones. "Why have you invited us here tonight?"

Hirako spots Nanao and smiles. "Oh, perfect, just in time. Please, ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's entertainment... " He is interrupted rudely by Kensei. "Please don't tell me it's a Mango Men show."

"No, we're too good for riffraff like you now." Hirako sniffs. "Anyway, please welcome tonight's entertainment." Nanao settles in the corner and picks up the traditional Japanese 13-string guitar.

"Here we go." Kyoraku mutters to himself, teetering into the room with his eyes peeking over his fan. The strains of the Mango Men's latest song fill the room, and he begins to dance interpretatively. At some point he pulls out Otoribashi's boxers from his cleavage, and starts waving them around.

Otoribashi does not notice because he is too busy wincing from the butchering that Nanao is doing to their song. Kira, Komamura and Hitsugaya are looking shocked and traumatized, unable to move. Poor Kira covers his eyes.

Kenpachi is applauding and whistling. Muguruma and Hisagi are feeling very confused right now, because of Kyoraku's surprising beauty. The ladies are all in stitches, laughing uproariously.

Kyoraku finishes his dance with a dainty little bow, and blows a kiss to Kenpachi.

"A bet is a bet." He announces, with a wink to Nanao.


	12. Muguruma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me

**9th Division Captain Kensei Muguruma**

**.**

**.**

It was not a secret in the Seritei that Vice-Captain Shuuhei Hisagi had a serious case of hero worship for his new Captain Kensei Muguruma. His boyhood hero had literally come back to life, and he was second-in-command to the paragon. It was his dream come true.

Their first meeting at barracks had been a surprise for both of them. Hisagi was in the Captain's office, working on the latest issue of the Seritei Communication, when a shadow had appeared in the door.

His jaw dropped open when the white-haired captain swept in, cast an eye around the room, finally resting his gaze on him. "Good Lord, boy," He had thundered. "What happened to your face?"

Shuuhei realized that his idol was standing before him, and was rendered speechless as Muguruma stepped in front of his desk, tipping his chin up, turning his face left and right. "Were you taken hostage, boy? Did they torture you with tattoos? Who did this terrible act to you?"

To his horror, Shuuhei felt himself start to blush. "M-Muguruma Taichou," He stammered. "I- I-"

"Yes, yes, that's my name." Kensei let go of his chin abruptly. "I take it you're my second seat. But they did not tell me you would be so marked." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I promise you, I will find out who did this to you and make them pay. What is your name?"

"Hisagi Shuuhei, Muguruma Taichou." He stood, bowing deeply. "But.. But… I had the 69 tattooed on my face in your honour, Muguruma Taichou! You are my hero! You saved my life from a hollow when I was a child and- I am so honoured to be your vice-captain."

Silence greeted his announcement. Shuuhei looked up, but failed to see Muguruma's lips twitching at the corners. "You did this to yourself? ON YOUR FACE?"

"I am honoured to be your vice-captain," Shuuhei repeated gravely.

Muguruma bit his lips to stop himself from laughing, and looked away manfully to hide the tears of mirth in his eyes. After regaining control, he reached out to whack Shuuhei on the shoulder. "One thing's for certain. You, boy, have balls of steel. A man walks down that street with that tat, people know he's not afraid of anything. Just don't look up what 69 means in the world of the living."

With another smirk, Muguruma left the office. Shuuhei's eyes had turned into saucers, shining with the blaze of a newly rekindled fanboy. He had made Muguruma cry, Shuuhei thought proudly, with the depth of his devotion. Watching the retreating back of his captain, he promised silently to be the best fukutaichou EVER.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, Muguruma noticed that his move into the 9th division was made infinitely easier by his vice-captain. All the furniture from his previous tenure had been moved back (one piece at a time, on Shuuhei's back, from storage, before the sun rose) and placed accurately in the exact layout that Muguruma had them before. Shuuhei himself was passed out in the corner when Kensei came in.

Shinji and Rose told him later on that Kensei had met with them to try to get the original office layouts. Muguruma was pleased.

One night when all the vice-captains had gone out for drinks, Muguruma had been awakened by a loud commotion at the gates. Rukia Kuchiki, of the 13th Squad, and Renji Abarai, of the 6th, were bringing home a bloody, beaten up, completely drunk Shuuhei who was still hollering nonsense.

After they had put him to bed, Muguruma demanded an explanation for the state of his fukutaichou. Rukia had bowed deeply and said that Shuuhei had gotten into a fight with Kiyone and Sentaro, the third seats of her own division. When Muguruma asked what the cause was, Rukia declined to answer. Abarai was more forthcoming. "They were fighting over who had the better captain."

"And who won?" Muguruma asked, inordinately pleased.

"The restaurant," Abarai grinned. "They got paid for damages twice, once from Shuuhei and once by the 13th Squad." The cheeky fukutaichou grinned and bowed, with Kuchiki at his heels.

The fervent devotion of Shuuhei Hisagi for his Captain had reached fever pitch six months after working with him. Muguruma received compliments from Hitsugaya about his "Competent, sober, respectful" fukutaichou, as the younger man glared at his own. This only spurred Shuuhei to try harder, and Muguruma wondered if it was getting to be a little too much.

The issue of Seritei Communication with papparazi shots of Muguruma, shirtless and washing up after a battle? Okay, that was creepy. But Shuuhei had maintained that it was by request of the Women's Association. (And the issue had sold out, for the first time in ages.)

The use of identical soap, shampoo and other personal products had him scratching his head. Apparently, Shuuhei had snuck into his bathroom and listed down all the brands he used so that he could use them. Still, he had been more flattered than annoyed. Shuuhei also thanked him for the brand of underwear, as his new boxers were now way more comfortable than his old tighty-whities.

 

* * *

 

But the final straw came on Halloween when Shuuhei came in, his hair dyed white and gelled to stand up in loose spikes, his face made up to conceal the tattoos. He even had a sleeveless Captain's Haori.

"What are you doing?" Muguruma snapped, thoroughly freaked out. After a long and fiery scolding about inappropriate behaviour, he stormed out of the 9th Division. Shuuhei was heartbroken.

Abarai ran into him at the bar after work. "What's up, man?"

Shuuhei scowled. "It's Halloween, right? I don't know why my Taichou got so angry. And I didn't even dress up as him. I don't know what he's got against me dressing up as Hitsugaya."

Renji fingered his own long black hair, dressed as Byakuya. "Yeah, I know what you mean." He pulled off the fake kenseikan. "Our taichous need to get a sense of humour."

Then Renji brightened. "Maybe he's mad because he wants you to dress up like him."


	13. Hitsugaya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me
> 
> Warnings: OOC, Crack
> 
> A/N: CHAPTER 13! DONE! BAM. Now, normally I'm a HitsuKarin shipper, but this made more sense, so thank you. Please, read and review if you like it or you hate it. It's been an insane journey, and I've had a coke and two milk teas and a coffee and it is 5am and I am so pumped up by this. Thank you all soo soo much. I may add bonus chapters eventually but as of now this story is officially complete.

**10th Division Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya**

**.**

.

"Captain! It's Hinamori!" Rangiku's panicked voice has Toshiro Hitsugaya out of his chair and bolting out of the room. In his haste, he doesn't see the mischievous smile curl his vice captain's lips.

"Gotcha." Rangiku purrs to the empty office, following her captain at a more leisurely pace. She is definitely not going to miss this.

Toshiro appears in the 5th Division's barracks, his hair mussed from his flash-step. He appears so suddenly he surprises Momo Hinamori, who drops a box she is carrying. "Shiro-chan!" she squeaks, holding a hand to her chest in surprise. "You gave me a heart-attack."

"What is wrong? Are you in danger?" The green-eyed captain stalks up to her, carefully holding her upper arms and scanning her for any obvious injuries. "Are you hurt?"

Momo looks at him in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Matsumoto told me-" Toshiro pauses, then drops his hand abruptly, slapping himself in the forehead. "Matsumoto."

"Oh! Rangiku-chan was here earlier!" Momo smiles at him, the smile that always turns the tips of his ears red. In fact, Toshiro keeps his hair slightly longer than his ears for that exact reason.

"And she helped me deal with these boxes, for the Mango Men fan letters. I got a papercut from a box." She holds up a finger, wrapped in a pink and white band-aid. "But I'm okay now. Thanks for sending Rangiku-chan earlier. She was a huge help in sorting out the fanmail from the hate mail."

Toshiro knows his ears are probably glowing a bright red now, if not for his hair, because Momo with the band-aid and the huge guileless smile is the cutest thing ever. He also knows that Matsumoto probably slacked off, knowing that Momo would be her alibi.

"Do you need more help?" Toshiro says gruffly. "If you are injured, you should not be lifting things."

Momo laughs. "Oh Shiro-chan. It's only a papercut. Seriously. And you hate the Mango Men." Then she tilts her head. "Did you come here just for that?"

Toshiro puts on his 'Captain Face.' "Of course not," he says gruffly.

"Of course not," Rangiku echoes, straight-faced, appearing next to her taichou. "He had a matter to discuss with Hirako Taichou."

Giving his second seat a look promising retribution, Hitsugaya turns back to Momo.

"Oh, Hirako-san is on tour right now. Oh, but how would you know, Shiro-chan, you aren't a fan of theirs. That's fine, next time they have a tour I can let you know their schedule," she beams at him. Toshiro can feel Rangiku snickering behind him, but ignores her.

"That is all right. I can come back another time." He straightens, bowing politely to her, before dragging a broadly grinning Rangiku out the gates after him.

The entire way back to the 10th Division barracks, Hitsugaya ignores the ear-to-ear knowing smile that Rangiku is displaying. "Why don't you just tell her, Captain?" she teases.

An icy glance from his furious green eyes has Matsumoto straightening up and behaving herself. But Rangiku vows to get them together, no matter what.

* * *

After an urgent message reaches him via hell butterfly, Hitsugaya finds himself locked in a closet. With Momo.

"So- You got a message as well?" He asks Momo as he sends his reiatsu through the solid wood, trying to find a weak spot. She answers with a soft yes, sitting quietly in the corner.

Toshiro curses Matsumoto under his breath, knowing that Momo is afraid of the dark, and has been ever since they were children. "Are you okay, Momo?"

The closet is solidly built, and he worries that if he destroys a wall, Momo could get hurt by flying splinters. He prepares to summon his ice dragon when she tugs at the bottom of his hakama. "Shiro-chan, please."

With a sigh, he sits next to her, careful not to touch her. Her fear has her inching closer to him, plastering herself to him without actually touching him. "Are you afraid?" he asks in the darkness. She reaches out, touching his always-cold hand, sliding her fingers into his.

Toshiro is surprised that his ears do not light up the dark, and once again is thankful for growing out his hair. "Not anymore." She whispers, laying her head on his shoulder gingerly. "Who would do this to us?"

He has a very definite idea of who it could be, but cannot say her name out loud because Rangiku is a close friend of Hinamori's.

"Whoever it is, they will pay." Hitsugaya grits his teeth, then jumps, startled, as Momo's fingers sift through his hair.

"Your hair is getting long," she says shyly, threading her fingers through his hair. "I used to do this when we were children, remember? And your hair was much shorter then. This used to put you to sleep right away at Grandmother's."

Hitsugaya tries to hide the shivers that course down his spine from her touch, by getting to his feet. "We have to get out of here," he snarls, focusing his reiatsu on the closet doors. The doors blast open, bouncing once on the hinges before falling off.

Rangiku is standing in front of the now-opened closet, eyes wide, before she starts running. Momo, thankfully, is blinded by the sudden light, that she does not see her. With a sigh, Toshiro turns and helps Momo to her feet instead of murdering his interfering vice-captain.

* * *

"Why are you doing this?" Hitsugaya snarls at Rangiku first thing the next day. "Why are you interfering?"

Rangiku plops her butt on his desk, crossing her arms over her not-insignificant bosom. "Because, Hitsugaya Taichou, you two are meant to be. You obviously love her."

"Meant to be?" Toshiro laughs bitterly. "Tell me, Matsumoto-san, can you name any one couple of our acquaintance, in love or not, that worked out?"

He watches her eyes dim.

"Here, let me help you. Kaien and Miyako Shiba - Turned into a hollow and killed by a hollow. Isshin and Masako Kurosaki - Left the Soul Society, and she was killed by a hollow. Byakuya and Hisana Kuchiki. She died early." Toshiro ticks the names off his fingers, driving his point deeper and deeper until Rangiku cannot bear it. "Shall I continue?"

It is not in Toshiro Hitsugaya's nature to be vicious, but being manipulated into this has him raw and angry.

"Love doesn't work. It never does. There is no such thing as a happy ending. Rangiku Matsumoto and Gin Ichimaru." He ticks off his forefinger, his eyes meeting hers. The slap she gives him echoes across the room. Rangiku steps back, chest heaving and eyes blazing.

They both know it is a crime to raise a hand against a Captain. To do so is treason, punishable by death.

She glares at him, fury etched in every line of her face. "I wanted it to work for you, Taichou," she snarls, tears slowly dripping down her face. "I wanted so much for love to work for you because at least it would give me hope. It would be so easy for you to just tell her. I needed to believe love works, Taichou. And at least one of us would be happy. But you are too afraid to take the risk. I hope your fear comforts you at night."

Rangiku spins on her heel, pausing at the door. "If you report this to the Gotei 13, I will not fight it. I will be in my quarters." With that, she leaves the room.

 

* * *

 

Toshiro is tempted to report it, to sign his second-in-command's death warrant. But of course he does not. Rangiku Matsumoto may be lazy, annoying, interfering, and insolent, but in this instance, damn her, she is correct.

The next two weeks in their office pass without them speaking with each other. She comes in on time, leaves on time, completes her work on time, and never says a word outside of the required conversations.

In fact, Toshiro muses, she has never been a better vice-captain. Still, the fire in her is gone, and he feels strangely guilty.

Momo comments that Rangiku has stopped attending the Shinigami Women's Association. Shinji reports to him that Rangiku has stopped drinking altogether, as they used to be drinking mates. Byakuya offhandedly thanks him for disciplining his vice-captain as she has stopped asking him to show her his pink hair.

Finally, Toshiro gives in, writing down a message. He tells Rangiku to summon a messenger, and in front of her, orders the message delivered to the 5th Squad's fukutaichou.

* * *

It is early morning, and Toshiro Hitsugaya, freshly shorn of his long locks, with his hair parted neatly to one side, knocks on the gate of the 5th Division. The haircut has him looking younger than ever, but the grave look in his eyes has the gatekeepers bowing down in respect.

Momo hurries out, her arms full with a basket of fruits. "Does grandmother know we're coming?"

"No, it will be a surprise," Toshiro tells her, taking the basket from her arms and tucking her hand into the crook of her elbow.

Momo smiles and rests her cheek on his shoulder playfully. "Shiro-chan, since when do you surprise grandmother?"

"Since now." He clears his throat uncomfortably, and unbends his arm, so her hand slides down his forearm, fingers linking into his, Momo looks at their joined fingers, surprised, then looks up to see Toshiro blushing to the tips of his ears.

She breaks into a big smile. "I guess we have another surprise to tell her then."

* * *

On the roof of the gate of Squad 5, Rangiku Matsumoto breaks into a victory dance. "Yess yess yess!" She pumps her fist in the air, then crouches down to the blond man lying flat on his back in despair.

"I win, Shinji-san," she smirks, poking her index finger into his forehead. "I told you I could get them together in three weeks. I wi-hi-hi-hi-hin. Who is the queen of manipulation? I am! I am! Admit it, you lose."

"Noooo," he groans, capturing her hand to stop the poking.

Their eyes meet for a moment. Rangiku's smile fades and Shinji's eyes widen. Shinji drops her hand as if it burned him, and she looks away, flushing.

Rangiku stands, flustered. "Anyway. Score 1 for the redheads. I will collect my debt another time."

Shinji sits up, watching her shunpo away, an unconscious smile softening his face. Then he slaps himself, hard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you again, everyone. Feel free to PM me if you have requests or prompts or whatever. This is the first fic I have ever completed or posted and it's been such an amazing three weeks writing all these chapters. You guys rock.


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